This year I’ve experienced a lot of growth within myself. I’ve been on the path of learning to deal with my feelings rather than turn to disordered eating habits, which I had previously done in my past.
I am choosing to live my life in a positive way, rather than turning to negativity. I am choosing to live with happiness and optimism rather than fear. I am choosing to live my life by my rules. The key is that I am calling the shots. I am in charge of my life and the decisions that I make.
With all the progress I have made over the last year, there is still something holding me back. This morning I came to a realization. I am still bound by the number on the scale. I still care about the number that I see, for whatever reason.
I’ve mentioned that I weigh myself about once per week to keep my self “in check”. For over 6 years I’ve maintained the same weight (plus or minus 5lbs), yet I still feel the need to make sure it’s not going up. I still have a voice inside my head that says I need to weigh myself once per week. I feel as though if I don’t weigh myself I’ll blow up like a balloon. But each week I weigh myself, I am still at my body’s happy range.
Something else that bothers me is that each time I weigh myself I think that maybe this is the day that I magically lost weight. But why? Why do I think that seeing a smaller number will increase my happiness? Why do I think I need to see a smaller number? WHY!!?!?
I can tell you that when I prepped for a figure competition and was on a rigid diet, I did see a smaller number. I can also tell you that I was miserable at that number. Having to maintain a strict diet in order to maintain that loss sounded like pure hell to me. I enjoy my freedom with food way too much and eating plain chicken, tilapia, and green veggies was not my idea of a lifestyle. So I chose to forgo the competition and I also chose to gain that weight back (well, that just sort of happened when I ate normally again!)
A Personal Challenge
Today was no different than any other week. I step on the scale, I see the number, I wish in my head that it was a different number because for some reason I believe that I should be at a smaller number, and I step off and go about my day. I don’t restrict my diet or over exercise because I have these thoughts, but the fact that I even have those negative thoughts because of the number just really bugs me.
Today I made the decision that in order to get over these irrational thoughts about my body and my weight, I need take back the control that I allowed the scale to have, and I need to start living my life not based on my weight. As much as I’ve overcome in the last year, I’m not where I want to be with self acceptance. I know that my body is where it wants to be in regards to health. I just need to come to terms with that. I’m healthy and fit and my body does a lot for me. I shouldn’t bash it because of a silly number. I know better than that.
No More Scale
I decided to go a month without weighing myself. And to be honest, it’s scary. But I am choosing to let go of the number and start trusting my body. I am NOT the number.
If after a month of not weighing I want to weigh myself, I will. But hopefully I’ll be able to keep going and not ever need a scale and learn to trust my body. But along with this, I also need to work on listening to it more.
One of the reasons I love to read blogs is to be inspired by others. This post and this post over at Oh She Glows has really inspired me to look deep within myself and work on self acceptance and ditching the scale is the next hurtle in my journey….and I’m ready to tackle it!
Does the number on the scale hold any power over how you feel about yourself?